It was mostly the grogginess of it all. The sudden, panicky feeling that she had absolutely no way to get her thoughts out of her head, the feeling that she didn’t even have words in her head to begin with. It sort of felt like drowning, though instead of water she was being pulled under by a static undercurrent of silence.
There were some days where Rei really preferred to be quiet.
Somedays, Rei Wakana really just preferred to be quiet.
She almost always knew when a quiet day was coming. Usually she’d wake up, get out of bed and move through the typical, tired movements of her morning routine, and somewhere along the way, it’d hit her.
It was mostly the grogginess of it all. The sudden, panicky feeling that she had absolutely no way to get her thoughts out of her head, the feeling that she didn’t even have words in her head to begin with. It sort of felt like drowning, though instead of water she was being pulled under by a static undercurrent of silence.
When she was younger, these days were fine. She was a relatively shy kid, so nobody really expected her to talk anyway. And the one person who really understood her at that age was Tae, who was always more than happy to carry the conversation when Rei didn’t feel like talking.
When she was working as a backup bassist, it was still relatively okay for her. She usually just listened to whatever she was instructed to do, rarely speaking a word to any of the people she was working with that day or week. Some issues did pop up with it here and there, but she was still able to navigate it easily.
But now... things were different. She was with RAS now. And as their vocalist, she really couldn’t afford to just... not use her voice for a practice session.
Especially with a producer as harsh as Chu2.
And now she found herself in front of the building the studio was in, her brain surrounded by a thick fog she could hardly think through.
She didn’t know why she was feeling like this. Nothing had gone too terribly wrong that morning, and she was completely fine the day before, so why was she feeling like this now?
She could pass it off as vocal rest, maybe.
She thought about calling in sick, but lying went against her nature. It was morally wrong to lie, and that made her feel bad. She’d probably feel worse about calling in sick than she would going into practice.
She thought about texting Tae, which was her usual failsafe when it came to stressful situations, but she had a feeling that she’d be too busy with her band’s activities to help Rei with something so trivial as brain fog.
She thought about communicating something with Masuki, who had known her long enough to understand how... quiet her brain could get sometimes, but what good would that do her?
Rei took the elevator up to Chu2’s penthouse with a silent head and a sneaking suspicion that something was about to go horribly wrong.
“There you are!” Chu2 exclaimed, once Rei had sheepishly entered the penthouse. “For a minute, I thought you weren’t gonna show up.”
Rei just nodded in response. Though she was most likely speaking at her regular volume, Chu2 seemed louder than usual.
Rei looked around. It looked like she was the last to arrive to practice.
A seed of nervousness sprung up inside of her. She felt like everyone’s eyes were on her, which... well, they were, but it felt way more intense to her. It was sort of funny, Rei was able to stand in front of hundreds of people staring at her for Raise A Suilen’s live shows, but here she was, internally panicking because she had shown up to practice a little late.
Was that ridiculous? She felt like that was sort of ridiculous.
“Well, whatever. Let’s just get started.” Chu2 announced, and she began to make her way towards the studio, Pareo on her heels.
Still clinging to the slightest bit of hope that everything would go fine, Rei followed the rest of her bandmates, making avoidant eye contact with the floor.
“Hey, are ya good? You seem a lil... slow today.” asked Masuki, pulling Rei to the side before practice.
Rei just silently shrugged. Masuki raised an eyebrow at her.
“Ya havin’ one of those “no talkin’” days?” Masuki said, her voice holding genuine concern.
Rei nodded, her glance apologetic.
“Ah, shit,” Masuki stuttered, “what are ya gonna do about her?”
Masuki was gesturing towards Chu2, who was currently talking to Pareo about... something. Rei couldn’t exactly tell what they were saying.
Rei shrugged once again. She... hadn’t really thought that far ahead.
Damn it.
“Well, ya better figure somethin’ out.” Masuki said, “I hope ya feel better soon, though. Maybe I could take ya out for ramen or somethin’ later, if you’re feelin’ up fer it.”
Rei politely nodded, and she left to go unpack her bass.
“Alright! We’re just gonna go down the setlist for our next show today, so get ready!” Chu2 exclaimed, snapping Rei out of... wherever she was. She had that particular setlist practically memorized, so she had no problems with that.
Well, no problems except for y’know... not being able to sing, but still.
Rei took a sip of water, slung the strap of her bass around her shoulder, and began to play the intro to “Outsider Rodeo,” trying her best to ignore the pit of anxiety clinging in her chest. She knew her bandmates were following her movements, and while she was usually okay with that, today it made her feel horribly, horribly anxious.
Was she even fit to lead the band like this? When she was so... nervous and awkward? She had always had this… clumsy way of navigating social situations. Did she even deserve to have the front spot?
She stopped.
Why did everything feel so... wrong all of a sudden?
Rei looked down at her hands. They were shaking.
“Stop!” Chu2 yelled, “What happened?”
They all just shrugged, and out of the corner of her eye Rei could see the concerned look Masuki was flashing her.
Chu2 raised an eyebrow, leering at Rei.
Rei looked back at her, grimacing like she had a headache.
She knew the socially acceptable thing to do would be to slow down and explain the situation, to apologize and get practice back on track, but she just... froze.
It was like she had entered fight or flight mode, but instead she had just... shut down entirely.
She just held on to her bass, focusing on the way the strings felt between her fingers.
“Don’t just stand there,” said Chu2, and she slammed her hands down, a hint of panic and frustration in her tone, “somebody... say something! What happened?”
Rokka and Pareo looked back at her, both seeming fairly confused about the whole situation.
Rei knew she had to do... something, but her brain was too foggy to decide on what.
It was Masuki who finally spoke up.
“Ah, can’t ya see that she’s not feelin’ well?” she said, and Rei let out an internal sigh of relief. She could feel the brain fog clear up a little, though talking was still very much out of the question for her.
Chu2 squinted at her, looking visibly confused. This could be interesting.
“What? Are you sick?” Chu2 asked, looking back at Rei.
Rei just shrugged. She... honestly didn’t know how to answer that. She didn’t feel physically ill per say, but she certainly wasn’t at her best.
“She’ll be fine, she’s just... uh, how do I explain?” Masuki said, and she scratched the back of her head. “She’s just... havin’ trouble talkin’ today. Which means she’s gonna have trouble with singin’.”
That was pretty much it, huh?
It seemed so simple, the way Masuki had put it.
“Oh.” Chu2 said, and she sat back in her chair, her face softening. “Well... whatever. I guess we can just practice the instrumental tracks for today.” She said, quickly regaining her composure, “But only for today! I expect you all to be at your best tomorrow.”
Rei nodded, her eyes thankful.
The rest of practice went by smoothly. Hearing the track list without singing anything was... different, but it was sort of nice to just let herself be consumed by the sound. Rei noted how Chu2 didn’t stop them in between songs to give notes, she just... let them play.
As soon as they finished the final song on the list, Rei sighed, wiping sweat off her forehead and setting her bass down. She looked at Chu2 expectantly.
“Well done everyone!” Chu2 said, and she pushed back, hopping out of her chair.
She gave them a few notes, gently scolding Masuki about her pacing and firmly telling Rokka to work on a particularly difficult section of “EXIST.” The usual post-practice conversations.
“...I think that’s it. I expect you’ll all be at your best tomorrow.” Chu2 finally announced, and she gave Rei a look. “Layer... um, get well soon, or... whatever you say in these sorts of situations.”
Rei just nodded quietly in response.
Once they had all dispersed outside the building, Masuki approached Rei.
“You up for ramen? We were talkin’ about swingin’ by for some.” She said, gesturing towards Rokka, who was giving Rei a sympathetic glance.
Rei shook her head. She would probably just feel like a third wheel if she went with them, and besides, all she really wanted to do right now was to go home and sleep.
And, after she said her goodbyes to her bandmates and took the slow bus ride home, that’s what she did.
Being able to be quiet in her room for a few hours really helped her recharge. That’s how quiet days usually went for her. As soon as she was able to retreat into a quiet, familiar place, she would feel better in no time.
She had already texted Masuki to say thank you for what she did for her. If Masuki hadn’t said anything... gosh, Rei couldn’t even begin to imagine what would have happened. However, she knew she had another person she needed to talk to.
The next morning, Rei went into practice early.
“Oh, Layer,” Chu2 said sleepily, opening the door to her little... closet? bedroom? whatever. “I assume you’re feeling better today?”
“Yeah, yeah, I am.” Rei said, “I’m sorry... did I wake you up?”
Chu2 shook her head. “Nope, just working on a new song.” Rei wondered for a moment if she slept at all last night. “Anyway, what are you doing here? Even Pareo’s never here this early.”
“I’d... like to talk about what happened yesterday, if that’s alright.” Rei said, glancing off to the side. It was sort of funny, how none of them really looked eachother in the eyes when they talked to eachother. RAS was a group of odd ducks, she thought to herself, but they were her odd ducks.
And... that’s what counted, right?
Anyway.
“Okay, spill.” Chu2 said, and she closed her laptop, turning her attention to Rei.
Rei sat down on her knees, taking a deep breath.
“Do you remember what Masuki said yesterday? About me having trouble talking?” She asked, and Chu2 nodded. “Well... that’s sort of a thing that happens for me. Sometimes when I get overwhelmed or tired of social related things I just... stop being able to talk. It sounds sort of stupid when I say it out loud, but...” She paused, looking up at Chu2. “I just thought it was rude of me not to tell you.”
There was a moment of silence between the two of them, and a pit of uneasiness began to brew in Rei’s chest. Was... she upset with her?
That uneasy feeling immediately dropped as soon as Rei saw Chu2’s face soften.
“No, that’s not stupid,” Chu2 said, “I just wish you told me before.” There was a hint of betrayal in her voice. Rei hadn’t really thought about how... confusing everything must have been for her up until now.
“Yeah... I’m sorry.” Rei murmured, “I’m sorry for ruining practice yesterday, too.”
“No!” Chu2 yelled, “I mean, no, you didn’t ruin practice. I actually think we should practice just the instrumental track more often!”
“Are you sure you aren’t withholding your feelings again?” Rei said, raising an eyebrow, “I don’t want you to lie to me just to make me feel better.” She thought back to the “fight” they had right before that one-man live. She didn’t wish to repeat those same, awful feelings they all had during that time.
“No!” Chu2 yelled, and she shook her head. “I mean, I’m telling the truth. Promise.”
“Okay,” Rei said, and a small smile formed on her face. “Well, I’m gonna go start warming up, if that’s okay.”
“Yeah, that’s fine.”
Rei pulled herself up, grabbed her bass off the floor, and started walking towards the studio.
Today was going to be a better day, she could feel it.